Echo (unedited)

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Echoes of an echo

of words and of letters

sent through turns of sun and moon.

Through seasons and leaves, I left

you be, until the rhythm of you returned to me.

 

Time, it was,

to begin anew

and return once more

in the search for you.

 

I left you once in a crowded room

and once more ‘neath a waning moon.

I closed my eyes and let you pass -

visage of a ghost, visions that last.

 

I recall that night

midst waves that crashed:

a beach, a moon, your face, your laugh.

 

echo of an echo

ghost of a ghost

memory of a memory

you have become

and will, I fear, remain.

Ashes


I remember the flash of joy,

the spark of excitement

that gave rise to flame –

sudden and new –

that caught kindling and grew

into a bonfire that has kept me warm

even all of these months later –

when my hand sought yours in secret –

the first night our lips met,

and we kissed

behind a home we shared, but did not own.

I didn’t know then (for how could I have know?)

that from that kiss

would rise a fire – and desire –

unlike any I’ve felt for another.

For I could see your face

and taste your lips

every single day

for the rest of my life

and still I would never have enough.

that every time we kiss, when my fingers brush up against your skin

that every time we talk, that every time I see your face before my eyes

my heart skips a beat

and

comes the simple feeling,

the feeling  that I am going home.

I remember that night

when my hand found yours under a blanket

and your love found its way into my heart.

Lotus Flower Girl

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I think I passed you by tonight

On Sunset Boulevard

but I didn’t know you anymore:

nothing gave birth to nothing

and there was no need for us to part,

never meeting.

 

I pushed by you (and a friend, I guess)

as your eye caught mine, flash

frozen face projected out from my memory,

(uncovering archival images, hidden glances, secrets:

a dutiful errand boy-librarian, my head)

I thought nothing of it as your eye lingered

longer than I would expect,

your features assuming expressions unnamed

as you turned back to your company

and I, to my gait.

 

we parted.

 

One glance was all it took to know

you weren’t yourself or, rather,

were never the person I tried to make you out to be

Family Happiness

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Words that cut, lacerations

barbed wire phrases and empty threats

promises unkept – broken -

promises made still and thinly believed

 

averted eyes as outbursts of anger,

tears and terror come to rain down upon the lucky few

hands on hips, fists and gestures

whispered repetitions

that accompany regret

 

‘There will never be another family

that is like this one,’ they all say.

‘This one, this one is unique.’

other memories

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I remember the ocean

waves on the beach

sand between our toes

I remember the wind

rustling the dune grass

I remember your making me wear sunscreen

although I hate sunscreen and it gets into my eyes

I remember our falling out of love

better than I remember our falling into it

and on days such as these

I remember the severity

of those moments, arguments, fights – what have you -

where words were thrown

to hurt, to injure, to wound incessantly

but not meant – never meant -

it was as if those words hurled so hard

were meant to bring us back together again

and maybe they will,

on one of those summer days.

 

A sadness such as this

can’t last for that much longer.

I’m sure of it.

strange

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strange,

how it used to seem like I would never forget you

and that the feeling I knew so well – inescapable, it would seem -

vanished overnight and

one morning, I awoke

to find I

could barely remember your face

let alone the way you taste

on mornings, overcast

and outlook, cloudy,

weather reports on the television

your hair clinging to your cheek

wavy, smooth,

at once familiar and new

now strange, belonging to a ghost.

Stranger still

how I felt better than I had before

without you - Happy.

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the remembering

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I don’t remember what it was like

to wake up on days when i didn’t feel this way

when I didn’t hate the day, the light

when I didn’t shy away from afternoons

let alone mornings, wrapped in blankets

wedged into corners trying to beat back the remembering.

 

maybe it was supposed to turn out this way

our lives, aflame.

words


what are words

if not to signify

something broken

or made anew.

 

what are words

if not to mean

something else

something stolen

or abused.

 

what are words

if words were not

meant which words

were used.

 

what are words

if words are not

what words are

when words are not.

 

what are words

when words

mean nothing

and stand instead

for words that hurt.

horror (unedited)

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I pushed my way into the theatre

past throngs of people crowded,

pressed up against each other,

and took my seat among them,

becoming one with the faceless sea.

The stage lit up, your face shining out into the dark,

a beacon of light, unearthing memories, once laid carefully to rest,

with burnt hands and a heavy heart.

 

You sang songs to someone unknown, unseen,

and I remembered those nights

when you sang to me -

and I froze, something caught inside me

and stuck quick in my heart

and I remembered: winter nights

and strained relations;

freezing streets and sleeping bags;

arguments – then fervent protestations

of Love and promises to be kept.

 

I remembered moments that seemed

to stretch forever onward,

dark bedrooms and a warm body

that would lie next to me in times of deep distress.

But I don’t remember everything -

not the part I played, for it was horrible,

and I was horrible back then,

only now am I beginning to see

the extent.

 

It was strange and it was terrible

being one of the eternal audience

watching – seeing, though being unseen -

passing by you in the lobby,

wordless and unknown:

no hint of remembrance;

no glint of recognition;

our last moment shared

in terrible silence.

 

And I rushed out quickly

with a strange and awful feeling,

But grateful – always and forever -

for what you taught me

about myself.

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